I'm changing again
Years ago, I was a girl who was unsure of herself and badly wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be seen, affirmed, validated. At the time, I thought relationships would fill that gap, so I clung to partners hoping their approval would make me whole. And when that wasn’t enough, I turned to the easiest place to find validation: social media.
The validation I wanted came from strangers. At first, I told myself it didn’t matter. I wasn’t an influencer, so why would likes or comments affect me? But over time, I started noticing who commented and who didn’t, who liked my posts and who ignored them. My mood would sometimes change based on these. Looking back, I didn’t realise how much power I was giving away. When I gained a small following on Twitter, it only got worse.
I’ve changed a lot since then. There are still parts of me that want to be chosen, but not by strangers just scrolling by. Now, I want to be chosen by the people who really know me, the ones who already choose me. The biggest change is this: I don’t want the kind of validation I used to chase anymore.
I left Twitter some time ago. It felt like exhaling after holding my breath too long. I still use Instagram, but in a new way. I post when I feel like it, and comments are turned off. If someone I care about has something to say, they’ll message me directly.
That’s how I see it now: connection should be direct, not filtered through a stage where you have to perform.
My habits have changed, too. I hang out with friends and might take one photo of my food before putting my phone away. The rest of the evening is mine. I may not even remember to post it. On days when I share a lot of stories, it’s almost never in real time. Being present has become more important to me than showing proof.
I can feel myself changing again. Recently, I’ve wanted to completely disappear from the internet. I’m not sure if I’ll succeed. It’s a big step, but the desire to do it is there.
More and more, I want to live my life, not show it off. I’ve even started thinking about writing real letters with pen and paper to the people I care about, putting a stamp on an envelope, and mailing it. Because messaging apps also give me anxiety tbh. And I’m really trying to come up with a way to connect with my friends and family without triggering myself. I plan to start this Christmas.
Shoutout to my friend Nnanna, who partly inspired this. He once sent me a Christmas card, and I loved it so much. It reminded me of being younger, when messages came in handwriting you could hold, not as disappearing texts or notifications. That card sat on my desk for months. It made me realise how powerful small gestures can be when they’re tangible. So this Christmas, I’ll be the one sending letters. Luckily, I already have everyone’s addresses.
Maybe one day, I’ll go further. Maybe I’ll erase every sign of myself from social media and leave the online noise for good. Maybe I’ll choose to live in the moment, with no proof for strangers, no record for computer programs, no sign of my life except the people I meet in person.
Maybe.
Proud of your growth💪🏾🫶🏾